Zez Confrey’s Dizzy Fingers and Other Novelty Piano Solos (1923). Research for a novel-in-progress…
Pulitzer Prize awarded to Hank Williams - at Country Music Hall of Fame, Nashville, TN (Dec 2013)
I am on the phone with Loel, arguing semi-seriously about whether crystal meth is passé, when the buzzer buzzes. I tell Loel this discussion is not over, and let the deliverymen up.
Though there is no sender specified on the confirmation form, the stencil on the enormous crate’s lid indicates shipping from Lendava—a giveaway as to its origins. The deliverymen ask if there’s anywhere specific I’d like it placed. Floor of the downstairs office is fine, I tell them. So that’s where it goes, flush against a bookshelf, the heavy plywood scuffing the floorboards.
I picture Tawny, prancing through Slovenian vineyards, awing sycophantic students from Tuscaloosa and Regina with her every adage, chuckling privately at her prank’s extravagance.
Prying open the crate will require a crowbar, which I lack. And I have a lunch appointment within the hour, so all will have to wait.
A black-naped fruit dove lays a single white egg before succumbing to the flames.
The corporation will be extracting the fossils at midnight.
Uranians tend to skip out on brunch tabs.
Abnormalities are present in the bloody film.
There is an enormous fire about to go out.
Housewives seize the discount home improvement warehouse.
Meteor showers awaken the grieving millionaire’s artistic spirit.
A miracle occurs and is taken out of context.
An unpopular sect attempts to rebrand its image with chic typography.
Smears of scented lubricant mar the portraitist’s latest effort.
A stray sheepdog demonstrates untapped potential.
Loners have no traction.
The vice president of sales regrets purchasing the less fluffy slippers.
Subtlety is of little use following a botched détente.
The gauntlet has not been thrown down.
All sheriffs hate taffy.
Attempted incarnations will be henceforward subject to shaming.
She calls her little sister a slut for the last time.
The criteria for removal will have to be less ambiguous.
Eleven girls who had removed their bracelets before the alarm are sent back to the ground floor.
Her venom is a thing that will not be understood.
Time runs out for the adultress.
A statesman without a copper coin in his paint can is not fit to lead.
Dishwashers gripe about visions of decay.
Destruction begins in Pittsburgh.
None of them will remember the truth about the womb.
Swiss bicyclists have a tendency to overperform.
The Parliament has convened.
The database is queried regarding his uniformly negative responses.
This metamorphosed greywacke contrasts with the brownish ochre of the granitic intrusions.
A scoundrel pauses to eat.
An obese laboratory mouse will not respond to trans-sensory commands.
Outmoded doctrines typically bore those of frail allegiances.
The first generator is operational.
His ex-girlfriend loves to remind him of his unsuccessful sexual manoeuvres.
An officer exits the building with her gun drawn.
Petitioners consolidate the rankings of non-existent respondents.
This latest epic annuls all others.
You are a tangram.
A Maltese television presenter confesses to bootlegging DVDs of violent bullfighting outtakes.
The cottages were the homes for several families of disenchanted weavers.
He spends millions annually to imbue the gardens with such splendour.
The final rocket is lost in the volatile troposphere.
The managing director exits the cotton mill.
Their triumphant reunion is thwarted by yet another bout of rabies.
Engineers secretly continue work on dozens of improved conceptual designs for these tasers.
The harpist desecrates her mentor’s legacy.
He reaches sideways to rescue his daily Twix bar from the puddle of froth.
Editors scramble to confirm the more salacious claims made in the epigrapher’s memoir.
The design features a brushed aluminum finish and a lens tilted for a more comfortable user experience.
The miniseries features a retired quarterback portraying an espionage agent posing as a Soviet import-export dealer.
Thirty-six days of deliberation have yet to result in any significant findings.
Female triathletes notoriously perform miserably in the written portion of driver’s licence tests.
He is proud of his Ph.D.
One must not think about the aerobatics.
A theological disagreement results in the severing of young limbs.
Broken motors conceal a failed theory.
She prefers her comedies dry.
Archfiends expect the susceptible to quiver.
Bribery is an artform best left to the blind or lethargic.
Something stretches across the sky unlike anything she has ever seen.
A young turtle is embarrassed of its unkempt shell.
The highway will have to be cleared for the processional.
The bride is unable to think of anything but those discrepancies between her tax returns.
A commune in Burkina Faso proves an unlikely location to commence an ecological uprising.
Two unexpected transurethral lithotripsies are performed.
Children of all ages enjoy a generous squirting.
Disagreement arises regarding the future of demonology.
A hectare of husked forestland taunts a derelict with a flamethrower.
The philanthropic purpose of the makeshift clinic is compromised.
The incendiary nature of his latest remarks finally earns him the critical respect for which he has longed.
She wistfully recalls the nighttime library study sessions of her undergraduate studies.
Snowfall alarms a tenement.
Entire demographics are eliminated due to bioethical insinuations.
A kitten gnaws on a knuckle.
Their woes will not limit their wrath.
It is a surprise to see such ornate stained glass in such shabby condition.
A girl in a raincoat scrapes the chalk from her best friend’s cheekbones.
Ritual slaughter is nothing to a confident shochet.
The former UN liaison still has an extremely irritating personality.
The death toll from the cyclone does not account for hundreds of stray dogs.
A sexual harassment case against the Speaker of the Australian House of Representatives is dismissed.
Documentaries about class warfare are favoured among expecting mothers.
The fallen return to reclaim their dietary restrictions.
The sacred bandana is only to be worn by the desolate and unfed.
Tastemakers of the leisure class seek a certain clarity of mind.
A spiral of volcanic ash expands in the skies of Stockholm.
The audience inflates.
There is nothing really worth understanding.
Maps are revised to favour the more lucrative epochs.
The lecturer’s voice is compared to a malfunctioning buzzsaw.
He decides to abandon his ambitions of becoming a community radio psychic.
A rookery of albatrosses pecks at the withered remains.
There is finally enough putty.
She wishes they would invent a friendlier type of drone.
The singing telegram delivery is postponed due to pestilence.
Guilt immobilizes the prideful.
Afternoons pass in a lofty haze.
Community activism redeems a sourpuss.
The hydras descend before the last trucks leave the loading bay.
Eschatological belief unites an estranged family.
A satellite orbiting the Galilean moon Io relays an alarming sequence of data.
Impossibility is not an excuse.
A man in Belarus is writing a poem about liposuction.
Two rabbis pool their savings toward a risky investment.
They hope for an instant drop in blood pressure and the irreversible expiration of consciousness.
Ugandan hydroelectric power stations are lauded for their scalability.
The chauffeur dwells.
Plans for the weekly knighting are as uncertain as ever.
Mooring a yacht in unclaimable waters is a poor method of retiring a dishonoured vessel.
The suspected murderess is seen riding a trolley.
Recipes are attributed to a blind man from Novocherkassk.
A plastic cone is slipped over the sawn end of a log.
The wingspan of the damselfly is not measurable by the naked eye.
The councilor’s pet cat dives into the drainage ditch.
The heretical fraternity is officially disbanded following the referendum.
No one leaves the commune during winter.
A moment of doubt leaves the entire strategy in disarray.
The boar hunter is a steadier shot after three bottles of reposado.
Brunch is served on the front lawn.
The failure of such parody begins with a tiresome premise.
The disenchanted therapist offers banal advice to a young couple.
Shipyards along the northwest coast teem with protesters.
The replica is composited in ivory.
An attractive teaching assistant cheats on both her diet and her husband.
Fax machines simmer.
A maelstrom is greater than the sum of its currents and straits.
The bickering children are finally ready for labeling.
Continuation of such perplexing and dangerous compulsion will lead to disciplinary measures.
The gods promise reimbursement.
The storylines intersect as the front three rows of the cinema cease to exist.
She telephones her mother with a report of her updated body mass index.
Sheets of dingy glass filter a jaundiced sunrise.
Mediocrity emboldens an upstart.
What she thought was a letter from her deceased father is not actually a letter at all.
They remember how to sew their fingers together.
The occult bookstore closes amid claims of cursed bookkeeping.
Nothing molts without consequence.
Sixteen ashtrays are unblackened.
The current unemployment rate veers into inexpressible realms.
A poetry reading dissolves into cryptography.
Rivalries abound among steeplechasers.
The supervisors know nothing of those they supervise.
A violent parting of waves in the Arabian Sea suggests manoeuvres are underway.
A light brunch celebrates the launch of the new mandatory dating service.
Disappointing her parents again yields catastrophic results.
A mediocre prayer is set to a stirring melody.
Diarists find themselves hampered by extraordinary circumstances.
You are a tarnished vessel.
Representatives for the monarch indicate she has fled the territory.
Fragments of the forgotten text appear in Brisbane.
The stepdaughter’s defamation suit is settled.
The committee discusses the extent of the sickness.
Sprays of cold foam temporarily blind the paraplegic oarsmen.
Theatre critics boast vast collections of Soviet gymnastics memorabilia.
Central America evaporates.
Troops of baboons dismantle the mahogany cages.
He is fond of flashing his velvet cape.
The company performance evaluations prove to be a massive dud.
It is recommended to allow an aggressive child to fling its feces as it desires.
A cyborg befriends a Cyclops.
There is little humour in an arsonist’s reformation.
Stations in the northern prefectures remain bolted shut.
Side effects of his dopamine replacement therapy include sex addiction.
He styles himself a viscount.
Villagers greet each other in the morning like nothing has happened.
The D2 Highway connects the hometowns of two reluctant lovers.
The hecklers are placed in a queue for processing.
A frozen waterfall blocks a hopeful journey.
Insulting messages are delivered between rival beekeepers.
A stampede in the Ivory Coast kills 45 victorious volleyballers.
Jumpy pilots are denied their requests for decaffeinated coffee.
She left her favourite sweater at the book burning.
Suppression befits curliness.
The screen drips with sputtered limeade.
It is generally assumed that he received a Byzantine education.
Snakes in the dust silently communicate.
He confronts his favourite author about an undeniable instance of plagiarism.
The party continues well past lunchtime.
She bakes a magnificent rhubarb pie.
All sermons are broken.
In pursuit of realism there is risk of forsaking heaviness.
Pigeons lie on top of the obelisk.
New York is a vacuum.
The dice roll out sixes and fourteens.
Acupuncturists start to move ahead of schedule.
A proposition narrows upon arrival.
The drunk woman confuses two traincars.
Boredom lethargizes a hopeful community.
Parrots start to fly.
This beard is a terrible idea.
Serbian handballers offer customary platitudes.
Polynomials are introduced.
Copenhagen is systematically bad for fortifications.
The candidate will not enter exclusive clubs.
A cad seeks to simplify.
Questions emerge regarding sidewalks.
They think and rethink.
The second comeback attempt fails.
Tyranny shirks decorum.
The comedian topples with a single karate chop to the left temple.
Integrity is postponed.
The rarest orchid exists only in Kyrenian folklore.
Two unpopular art critics laugh over a case of non-alcoholic beer.
The sourness is not going away.
Only the dimmest memories of those Martian craters now remain.
An unexpected integer sabotages a morning’s chalkboard work.
Smoky hallways clang with the moans of unwashed prisoners.
A boot made of distressed denim will be of little use in the molten trenches.
Household cats fail to unify their beliefs with any sense of linearity.
A reckless wife raises a house of voiceless children.
The overweight guards assigned to the senator decide to sleep in late.
Teenage acne leads to self-aggrandization.
Recurring nightmares complicate a weekend getaway.
You are a wishing well.
A spectre bites the sill.
They are bleary and they must move on.
The crowd falls to a hush as the rhythm guitarist tugs out one of his molars.
This carpet reminds the child of the man his father will never be.
For every convertible in Los Angeles there is a trebuchet in Boise.
Sundown confuses a dry wino.
New information from the third floor suggests drastic measures will need to be taken.
This means the end of the glass chandeliers.
Suggestion boxes overflow following an evisceration.
Unfortunate prospects invite those most recently enchanted.
An anthill is swept away by chemical fire.
There are teenagers taking off their sneakers in an unlit toolshed.
The unused mailroom is festooned with thin strips of wet cotton.
Two sergeants bicker over whose turn it is to perform the daily strip search.
Mailboxes brim with bubbles.
She refuses to close her parentheses.
A newspaperman vows to never again inject himself with cortisone.
Leverage as measured by the total debt ratio remains modest and consistent with historical levels.
The one who holds the key has a regrettable way of looking at things.
The world-weary reader misinterprets a novel’s conclusion as foretelling a cataclysm.
The lighthouse keeper goes blind.
Dishonesty gradually mutates a supermodel.
Two possible futures threaten to intersect.
Siblings agree it is better to not stop bickering.
There is no truth to those whispers regarding the dictatorship’s softening.
A soufflé deliveryman feels the whipped cream trickle down his forearm as he waits for the elevator.
The essence of a good kidnapping is comeuppance.
The jury agrees on a hobbling.
Digital effects transform the aging actress into some sort of banshee.
Caterpillars envision a revised metamorphosis.
On his fourteenth birthday he stopped being afraid of naked men.
The chieftain fantasizes about another Icelandic civil war.
Aerialists captivate Belgian imaginations.
There is a moment of hesitation before the elimination commences.
Revisionist histories appeal to intelligent heiresses.
The union president has an undisclosed history of somniloquy.
Aging referees struggle to keep up.
Droplets of blood enliven the dullness of soapy ceramic tiles.
Connivers endorse madrigals.
Something is congealing in the South Polar Sea.
A forensic investigator is skimming from the evidence vault.
Bottlenecked cartridges are hard to come by ever since the surrender.
Waltzes are not interrupted.
This antechamber will actually never end.
Decisions are finally made in the consideration of this hideous blender.
He has no idea where he is when he types out his afternoon memos.
A kitten with no claws is no cat at all.
The lesbian in the adjacent compartment has a tendency to be oddly courteous.
Shuffling along the Seine in December reminds her of a teenage fling.
The passcode for entry to the executive suite is a sequence of howled curses.
Lawns turn pale yellow as the fumes envelop the cul-de-sac.
Your father has devoted his life to the cartography of his own regret.
Drapes of flesh invite entry to the whitewashed aisles.
Lymphedema in young horses is cured by grooming with a currycomb kissed by a Norwegian witch.
The council decides upon a retroactive excommunication.
There are sixteen employees and only eleven pastries.
No one questions this latest hullaballoo.
A Czechoslovakian sculptor prepares to be bludgeoned with his own chisel.
In between life and death there is a bridge of pure light.
Billboards along the freeway herald the names of scorned youths.
Objectives for the coming month are worryingly unclear.
A monastic vow is criticized for its wordiness.
This curator has irrevocably tarnished the enviable reputation of this gallery.
The young entrepreneur finally admits his time machine will not be the success he’d imagined.
Geography is an infirm ally.
She drinks three bottles of white rum cut with soda water and vomits onto the sateen bedsheets.
The archbishop adopts his own uniquely graceful style of kickboxing.
Better pilgrims prosper where lesser tourists flunk.
The annexation will be followed by immolation.
Hypothetical molluscs adapt to the new requirements of respiration.
A census taken in southern Nepal indicates there are more households than humans.
You fade from public view.
The bluesman realizes where he’d gone wrong in all those songs.
The village elders refuse to discuss the disappearance.
Tightened budgets for the new hospital wing indicate most swellings will have to go unlanced.
Spanish cliffs of white stone inspire truly horrendous sonatas.
The ethnographer recalls his military career with great fondness.
Crystallography reveals the designated protein cluster to be a hoax.
This interstate reeks of defiance.
Collectors of classical art incorrectly identify the airfield.
The proposed substation requires the immediate relocation of hundreds of bobcat graves.
Basketball is consistently avoided by dyslexics.
The third mate is shot by his own pistol while investigating a Japanese sugar refinery.
The mountain meadows stir up daring thoughts of the confederacy.
Invaders from that celestial plane rarely exhibit the tremors of withdrawal.
There is nothing to be done about the revised Julian calendar.
Portuguese tennis courts often secretly use tiger dung instead of clay.
A teenaged girl suddenly remembers her past life as one of her insane father’s multiple personalities.
Cosmetologists prepare for the attack.
A cautious speech therapist is rarely of much help when the yetis begin to howl.
The docking module is not equipped for this magnitude of payload.
The prelude in F minor demonstrates the immaturity of his later and more deluded work.
The desert shrine is surrounded by citrus trees planted in concentric circles.
Spontaneous erections besiege the city’s safety inspectors.
The coat of arms was roundly rejected for being far too fey.
She is the last aristocrat of her century to take an active interest in lycanthropy.
Genealogy today is not what it will be for those of the thirtieth century.
Tibetans will always defend the mixing of yak butter with raisins.
The man with the sunglasses perched on his forehead knows something about her husband’s drowning.
Foragers prefer railway systems of a narrow gauge.
Breaking free of the moon’s orbit is impossible until the communications specialist admits his error.
Blasphemy accelerates arousal.
Strongmen suffer most during cinder block shortages.
The coffee on this Chilean shipping ferry is much worse than expected.
Every asteroid belt must atone for its albedo and its eccentricity.
No Virgos are accepted to the Welsh university.
The songwriter remains in a transitional phase.
Skirmishes outside the fort leave the tribe without a language.
Editors soil the manuscripts of aspiring business philosophers with their anguished tears.
Summoning the correct demon is a thankless slog.
The poet regrets the typeface of his sextodecimo.
An extended metaphor fails in equating the malice of the overlord with the unbridled hope of the masses.
Questions regarding lunar bloat go unanswered.
Truckloads of vultures are hurried into the catacombs.
The mass murderer enjoys a televised reunion with his estranged sister.
The most important principle of proper parenting depends on the availability of rare metals.
Dreams about fragrances suggest an individual’s longing for punishment.
The councilwoman skis on tranquilizers.
Downtown Moscow is suffused with a strangely familiar vapour.
Consumer watchdogs recommend just letting the wounds clot as they will.
A perfectionist blunders in administering a placebo.
A weary seagull counts the many oceans it has traversed.
Bikini models sidestep Baltimore.
All entries regarding extramarital affairs will be stricken from the registry.
The rival track and field squad draws inspiration from the recent beheadings.
All holidays will be spent in quiet contemplation.
There is danger in mistaking a well-wisher for a wishing well.
The way the boxes are piling up is causing uneasiness among the night staff.
Sentences unfold like hackneyed plots.
Two champagne flutes baffle the young cellist.
A sharpshooter exceeds his limits.
An intelligent beaver will sacrifice its dam without hesitation.
Collaboration taints the soul.
The acting general secretary betrays the confidence of his party insiders.
The lectern sags in advance of the briefing.
The ground assault is going tremendously.
Fourteen days pass like a rabid fever.
Large dollops of mashed squash sabotage an otherwise delightful plate.
Three promising football players cited for underage drinking are not reprimanded.
A hurricane renders the inland continent a strange tone of beige.
The actor once again forgets his lines due to chronic dyspepsia.
The chimney is full of webs like ropes.
The carousers are also criminals.
The butterfly collector realizes there is no point in inhibiting his genocidal fantasies.
The lion regretfully sympathizes with the antelope it stalks.
The disappearance of the magician is evidently not part of his act.
There is nothing of note occurring in the mind of the young author.
A lapsed Christian regains his footing on the shuddering precipice.
A corrupt species fails to sustain generational ethics.
She adorns the archway with translucent gauze to remind her of her sister’s disintegration.
Laboratory rats are proven to be extremely adept at recognizing translational symmetries.
The legacy is malleable.
A drugstore cashier allows the frozen yogurt to melt overnight.
The commandant continues to deny the bombings in the Shaanxi province.
A terrified surfer hurls his cracked binoculars into the coming wave.
An evangelical radio station in Missouri broadcasts a looped recording of its founder’s final gurgle.
The electorate longs to breathe.
The understudy’s middle name sounds like that of a discontinued brand of spermicidal jelly.
He realizes that the opening chapter of his detective novel contains unforgivable errors.
The equestrian is recognized with an enormous bronze statue depicting the moment just before his greatest defeat.
You are a kaleidoscope.
Someone is describing the happiest aspect of the shooting.
It is understood that the infrastructure of the organization was doomed from its inception.
These sneakers have a certain nostalgic stink.
The children are happiest when the puppies have been locked outside.
Actors known for portraying law enforcement officials are subpar contract bridge partners.
The Mexicans reconsider their options.
Driving an expensive truck does not make him the envy of his parish.
The mother of the bride reveals her true intentions regarding those cyclamineus daffodils.
The canyon carved by the river suggests a short erosional period.
He signs the agreement with a sound effect.
The bicycle courier is unanimously loathed by his clients.
She would still rather die than bathe.
New breeds of miniature rabbit are discovered to be inhabiting the city’s stovepipes.
The orthodontist weeps for his many professional failures.
He is lying about his blood type.
She clutches to her dreams.
The crate remains empty.
The accountant dreads the quarterly review.
A record number of flattenings are noted in the Madagascar sapphire mines.
A misreading of the lunar calendar leads to an overlap of scheduled banishments.
No one calls an ambulance.
The confused cartoonist ransacks his own studio.
Stacks of incomplete dissertations are placed in the main lobby as a means of discouraging future students.
The office administrator reports a numbing rash.
A meeting is called to discuss the ongoing disagreement surrounding codpieces.
Sinfulness irritates sales forecasters.
An oil rig sinks off the coast of Louisiana.
Curtains fall before the third act can be allowed to conclude.
Repetition empowers the unimaginative.
Parliamentarians admit to these claims of systemized overeating.
Falcons butt heads.
The pyromaniacs are starving.
He hangs parsley around his living room and hopes that December will soon arrive.
Diabetic dachshunds are disinvited from the obedience school convocation.
She hums to herself louder than ever before.
The assistant professor now teaches in monosyllabic sighs.
Readers of complicated science fiction disagree on the disposal of medical waste.
Her fear understandably knows no limits.
No rodeos face cancellation pending meteor showers.
Every second one of the schoolchildren is known to have cloven hoofs.
Fictional bartenders nonetheless satisfy many thirsts.
No monsters prowl the sewers.
The field of robotics is one that is both lonely and crowded.
He drinks three cups of coffee before considering moving the body.
A generation bends to pressure.
The elaborate memorial service for the puppeteer is ruined by an unanticipated scarcity of felt.
The judge retreats to her chambers to cry and drink.
They are suspicious of exotic dancers.
A comet skims along the rings of Saturn.
The father of all desire no longer entertains trifling aspirations.
Your wayward years last longer than you had hoped.
Vague assessments invariably fail.
The battle is won without unsheathing a weapon.
Pink trousers can win any argument.
He finds her disgusting.
It is an equal distance from Poland to Nova Scotia as it is from Hawaii to the centre of the earth.
Money is proven to contain anti-oxidants.
An all-terrain vehicle washes up on the sandy shore.
Archivists shed their skins.
There are no chronic masturbators in today’s maximum security prisons.
The map leads the team down into the deepest recesses of the rain-soaked gulch.
There is a shadowy moment.
The trucks will roll when the hyena guffaws.
Investors are anxious about seismic activity in the Pacific Northwest.
There is to be an atmosphere of mutual understanding.
The mind drifts.
Drunkards overtake the sphere of play.
The dictator’s decision is uncharacteristically fair and acceptable.
Belief is a luxury beyond all luxuries.
A telephone is a mast amid a storm of signals.
The woman steels herself before tearing off her sports bra.
Only by curbside will the jaws of toddlers truly burn.
This radio interview is an atrocity.
One can believe in fascism without believing in astrology.
She is also a defendant in litigation involving the bankruptcy of a former subsidiary.
It is commonly held that Australia will eventually sink.
Atheists are fetishists.
The optometrist now understands that he is a professional fraud and has been a jerk to his patients.
Only five out of seven members of the scuba team resurfaced.
You are a tractor.
Fourteen men venture into a crusted canyon.
The senator does not deny his racist accusations.
His spirit animal is a smashed hornet.
The back door is still wide open.
Skilled drummers never seek discipline.
It takes several millennia for something to actually be considered treasurable.
Nurses convene over cigarettes.
The debtor does not relinquish a bequeathment.
The flies have engulfed the sceptre.
No one reminds the fortune teller of her past transgressions.
This city is far grimier than the last one.
The entire platoon is crippled with indigestion.
The roulette wheel is still spinning after sixteen days.
A demon swirls through her imagination.
Broadcasts will conclude upon the death of the chairman.
A chain can be only broken when it is understood as imaginary.
Thursday is the favourite day of schizophrenics.
A misprint will lead to her exile.
A kiss is mistaken for a distress signal.
Geologists claim the earth is still somersaulting into oblivion.
Nighttime blunders fail to amuse.
Mould permeates the foundations of City Hall.
Clumsy magicians are fired.
It is irresponsible to confuse diplomacy with fatherhood.
This soufflé is everything she had dreamed of.
The people of the northern village are preparing for their monthly lynching.
A mixture of saliva and pus slowly trickles down the windshield of a limousine.
It takes fourteen difficult years to learn to play the bagpipes with any innovation.
Technicians congregate around a table of innards.
A poorly trained hound will lead the pack to a pizza parlour.
She expects a disheartening diagnosis.
Nostalgia poisons the idealist.
The athlete puts down his latest electricity bill and sighs a deep and satisfying sigh.
Unidentifiable toxins rain over the mountains of Kashmir.
The child pointing the gun is not the most trustworthy of the three.
Biting a computer monitor helps stimulate the gums of the elderly.
Islamic bankers never take holidays.
Your uselessness is almost deafening.
The last movement of the concerto tackles the theme of eternal life.
There is no one out there.
A concerned mother is no better than a befuddled arsonist.
Lakes of shampoo lie between the hordes and those they repelled.
Russians unanimously agree upon a new strain of czar.
A befreckled girl is easy prey for a narcoleptic salesman.
A cube is a poor excuse for a sphere.
Time stands still for a tuneless flugelhorn.
No deodorant could possibly supress his aura of injustice.
The bathroom sparkles with the promise of being messed.
Pundits still argue over those recent knifings.
There is nothing finer than a televangelist imbued with holy outrage.
Beepers go wild during eclipses.
They are having sex without having previously discussed the parameters.
Now is the best time to begin the interrogation.
Anorexic widows huddle under the canopy.
The willow tree will certainly live for at least two hundred more years.
The hallway is littered with the stubs of retired lottery tickets.
A melancholic murderer is a traitor to his cause.
The crowd gathers around a pair of slain swans.
A virgin is known to be a poor ally during a typhoon.
The souls of the young are trenched in anguish.
Cardboard sheets surround the new installation.
Drunken clergymen weep for their former selves.
The path before you presents little in the way of gainful opportunity.
The regional tobacco crop yield is experiencing unprecedented yields.
The old man’s face is practically crumbling with eczema.
The end of the parade was almost pathetically anticlimactic.
Stepfathers don’t really matter in the larger scheme of things.
Aged debutantes rain to the earth.
Analysts identify a perilous mistake in the coding of the algorithm.
Ten years pass before anyone notices the chief of police has died.
A wyvern bathes in the food court mall fountain.
Everyone will remember this as the day the ice cream ran out.
Farmlands to the south are being rebuilt as biodomes.
A homesick milkman intentionally delivers the spoiled buttermilk to his accountant.
Wasting light is better than no light at all.
The patients in waiting are advised that is better to just go home and try again tomorrow.
The falconer does not hope for the best.
It is expected that the molestations will not be encouraged.
The erosion of a certain stretch of the Andes makes a bed-ridden grandmother furious.
Old daughters cling to the ragged fabric of varsity sweatpants.
He is throwing out that old Korean snowblower as soon as his disability cheque comes in.
All this moonlight is confusing the teenagers.
Vague hints persuade more strongly than virulent attestations.
The epilogue is a sunburn.
The report is not ready for human consumption.
Arthritic conductors struggle to fill out employment insurance forms.
The secret is in her way of beating the batter.
Those dogs will not resist attacking the courtesans.
The interpreter refuses to put her clothes back on.
All of our allies have left you for the stockades.
Critics agree that the Iranian film director finally went too far.
Sorrow undermines the insurrection.
The blue mountaintops remind him of a past life.
The pigs reclaim their trough.
The organizers of the charity raffle forget where they left the caged parrot.
Vapours rise through the flashes of emergency lights.
Great men stoop to acknowledge the wisdom of their trounced lackeys.
The addicts writhe with frustration when their group meeting is cancelled due to an outbreak of head lice.
Scuba vacations culminate in divorces.
These results exceed the scope of the charts.
Mortar fire brightens an otherwise uninspiring sunrise.
A retired cowboy is the wrong opponent for an ambitious racquetball novice.
His eldest daughter has again failed the oral component of the entrance exam.
Clouds darken the suburbs of Canastota.
Geography is no match for longevity.
Weirder things are not happening.
She requests a gimlet made with Peruvian limes and only two drops of gin.
Half-brothers machinate to assault the ranks of their estranged half-sisters.
The committee agrees that the official colour shall be a muted mauve.
The philosophy student eschews most tenets of contemporary cognitive research.
A forgotten jungle gym slowly sinks into the sand.
The departmental meeting convenes despite the outcries of middle management.
The guy who calls the shots has decided to shut the entire operation down.
A successful rodeo clown gives it all up to become a buccaneer.
Horrible syrups drip.
Women from the suburbs are prone to exultations of grief.
He clings to his conviction that competence is overrated among the young.
The last aircraft carrier in the South Pacific will be allowed to sink.
A large rectangular object appears over downtown San Francisco.
Ugly actuaries are avoiding their comeuppance.
Croatian handballers always protest any insinuation of a coincidence.
The truck parked beyond the gate is not the one you expected to meet you.
Whitecaps collide and cancel each other out.
An argument erupts over which of the two precepts is the more zany.
An incomplete psychological profile is deleted from a neglected hard drive.
All the compartments are overstuffed with packages of paper towels.
Mornings pass in uneasy anticipation.
An Israeli soldier bites his lip on his way to the liquor store.
The wine tasting is held in the tree fort.
Typing makes her homesick.
Empathetic prison wardens rarely take early retirement.
They are being warned about excessive and gaudy displays of enthusiasm.
No one recruits the obese.
It will be a long time before he is allowed back into the ballroom dancing studio.
Archaeologists decide that unearthing any more Aztec mummies will no longer be worth the hassle.
That enormous black patch in your X-ray will eventually have to be discussed.
Sixteen pages are permanently deleted from the transcript.
All that now remains is a gnarled fender and a pristine window.
Cobra wranglers beg to disagree.
That beloved dramatist now works as an overnight security guard at a restaurant supplies depot.
Solar flares interrupt communications between vessels patrolling the Galilean satellites.
Autumn does not remind her of her stepson.
The ongoing decline in wizardry is attributable to shortages in manpower.
Poetesses are inconsolable.
Elk of the Ukrainian steppes express their remorse through a distinctive whinny in the key of F minor.
Your last cookbook brought shame upon many families in the neighbourhood.
A danger presents itself as a refrain and an ultimatum.
An objectivist conspires with a white witch.
The unbridled love of a fisherman fills the sea with haddock.
Zealots of the eighteenth century are reinterpreted as prophets.
No more leaflets will be distributed this afternoon.
She attempts to avert the beheading with a hurried telegraph.
The zone of consideration is currently in the vicinity of Piscus Austrinus.
The weary software engineer embeds a eulogy for his daughter within a line of code.
Fifteen cups of coffee a day is enough for a mid-sized statistician.
The townspeople object to those unforeseen gestures of charity.
Correlations between friction and viscosity confuse the intermediate sadist.
Cable companies are testing the feasibility of reversing such improvements.
The bottle contains a message from a distressed stockbroker.
A mythical land is sighted hovering in the stratosphere.
Harpooned whales bear no sympathy for the dyspeptic.
She realizes she has drastically underestimated the amount of provisions needed to wait out the firestorm.
The American middle class emerges as the most egregious point of redundancy.
To be vexed is to forget thirst.
A boundless playground empties for a season.
A cadre of Satanists installs an abstract sculpture where there once was a gallows.
That older of the two pharmacists is developing an intriguing new way of shaming his wife.
A rise in hysterical blindness is expected.
Those spearheading the solar power initiative are concerned about panel degradation.
Hedges writhe with a rage of crocuses.
There is something stirring deep in the lower bowels of the shopping mall.
Her face forgets chambers of faultlines.
Honour is a life preserver to a scapegoat.
A popular brand of suntan lotion is proven to induce telekinesis.
Two resentful neighbours exchange furtive glances.
The German pews are complemented by nave arcades and immense roofs.
It becomes lesser than what it was.
Digital clocks running backward suggest complex existential confusions.
A launderer turns out the silk pockets of an embezzler.
A pathological liar tells his grandmother he’s finally fallen in love.
The voting public rejects everything it can.
Underpaid authors mutter to their resharpened scalpels.
An admired woodsman returns from his pilgrimage to a petrified forest.
The punchline reiterates a scandalous insult.
All of a sudden the taxi driver shouts something in Aramaic.
Recovering alcoholics show an oddly acute ability to recover from gopher bites.
The archduke is a boorish oaf.
A neglected city block collapses into a hopeful stratovolcano.
She is extremely anxious about the results of her pap smear.
Hang gliders assemble in a wave of orange nylon.
A forgotten passage of sacred scripture is remembered and swiftly ignored.
Your new name will always be incorrectly pronounced.
The plea for civility goes widely ignored.
Sixteen boys are unable to agree on a destination.
The twist of the movie is that it never even began.
Maps are reflected in the greenest of glass.
He will not hear her cries over all the other screams.
Underneath the desk there is a passage into Hell.
Repulsion begins at home.
You are a decade older now.
The droves are expected to arrive slightly after sundown.
The DNA of an octopus is spliced with that of a toaster oven.
Rare books do not satisfy anyone’s unrequited lust.
The password to enter the chamber has been changed to something more counter-intuitive.
Devotion is frustration.
There is something monstrous occurring at the airport.
The haystack is transforming into something more like fire.
A vacated mosque in Istanbul is slowly collapsing into itself.
There is nothing that can be done about the impending wetness.
The schoolteacher refuses to admit she has a shopping problem.
The elevator is not stopping at the tenth floor as expected.
Knives are being stockpiled in anticipation of what’s to come on Thursday.
The oozing increases.
The gymnast hugs herself tightly and prays for the relief of sleep.
An optometrist is saving up to have his prison tattoos removed.
Race wars happen whether you believe in them or not.
A connection is emerging between cacophony and rot.
Evildoers are shifting their allegiances.
There is nothing objectively wrong with the comedienne’s haircut.
The most powerful intoxicant is a swift drowning.
The policeman has now officially registered that trash heap as his place of residence.
How it became so degraded is beyond the engineer’s knowledge.
Crocodiles despise the clacking and dinging sound of electric typewriters.
That UCLA sweatshirt hasn’t been washed since the eighties.
The tiger will feel better after the heart attack.
Telephones never ring on Halloween.
Somewhere there is a fountain that gushes the amniotic fluid of the truly evil.
The wizard is trying to get down to brass tacks.
There is nothing remaining of the domestic goddesses.
Nebraska oozes a soft gush.
The Korean shopkeeper refuses to accept credit cards during the post-solstice lull.
Your annihilation is swift and glorious.
The telephone repairman braces himself for a stern rebuke.
One painting of a collapsed stadium is never enough.
Breakfast is in a state of suspended animation.
They are completely lost.
The old jungle is full of sputtering craters.
He has been an asshole ever since he was sixteen years old.
The skeleton glows in a strange greenish glow.
The posterior trembles like a distant ocean wave.
She is saving up for a strange and controversial surgical procedure.
The northern fortress exists in a perpetual state of warp.
This is the umpteenth time she has been warned about chewing her toenails.
Platforms shift unexpectedly.
Detoxification is initiated.
The best politician is one with amber knuckles.
Stolen furs appear on slush-soaked streets.
No one loves the shameless tactician.
There is going to be a strange concurrence of events sometime after midday.
Revenue agents line up for the matinee.
The advisors are rethinking the tonality of the concerto.
A hound will continue to hunt even after its master perishes.
Knights are not wolves.
He is being taught to obey.
You must surrender to your most drastic impulses.
The gallery is completely empty.
The woman claws at her ravaged forehead.
No one worries about the extinguished sun.
Awkwardness disproportionately corresponds with originality.
Waterskiers blissfully teleport into oblivion.
Somebody’s father throws his new computer into the ocean.
Disease is reported to have exited.
The clock is telling a much different story than most have expected.
It is a long drive from Burnaby to Kashmir.
They brace themselves for another crisis.
This overlord prefers thin and talkative blondes.
This latest downturn is wildly ignored.
She thinks about the burned chalet and is surprisingly not very sad.
Two decades flash by like an unpleasant dream.
Everyone vomits when the first act concludes.
The mascot’s struggle with opiate addiction is well-documented.
There is a planet out there populated by a strange species of rusty moss.
There is a reason why her teeth are itchy.
Aficionados of Polish opera are also often acute judges of surrealist architecture.
Women in their twenties never tell the truth.
A strange odour wafts from the foyer into the front yard.
Deathly images haunt his memories.
Platoons of soldiers try to remember the reason they enlisted.
She surfs to bury her trauma.
That ringing telephone is the least of your worries.
Children only suffer when they are left to their imaginations.
Cyclists speed into the cauldron of the hurricane.
This constant floppiness has got to stop.
The clinician considers ending it all.
California is arguably less endearing than it used to be.
Mornings seem harder and harder all the time.
The prisoner’s hands cease trembling.
Caution must be employed when considering the actor’s fate.
Rumours persist about the conditions of exile.
That one is a genuine tearjerker.
Antarctica is a continental fraud.
You will not love him so dearly once you hear the full truth about his past escapades.
Reading political magazines is confirmed to escalate nascent tendencies of paranoia.
Octopi know no fear.
He is often considered to be a fireplug.
A true leopard will admit to changing its spots.
The drunkard refuses to leave the museum.
Outside that window is a strange gathering of depressed monks.
The corporal admits that his drinking has gotten out of control.
A panic rises among the terminally obese.
Missiles careen over the horizon.
The wedding is cancelled due to the mudslide.
A manic depressive nurse commits adultery for the last time.
Mobs of rabid raccoons demand the court’s attention.
Bruises form in unlikely quadrants.
Melancholy is not an excuse for typographical errors.
Her new artistic technique is undoubtedly a failure.
No one is left after that disastrous brunch.
Squadrons of sooty pigeons swirl above the veterans’ memorial.
Insomnia nullifies these attempts at effortlessness.
Red is drowsier than brown.
You will not expect the hordes.
Africa is crumbling.
The symposium will last as long as it takes to finally determine the degree of punishment.
A drug-addled neurosurgeon steps into the path of a speeding motorcycle.
This song is too long and too reliant on hokey chordal patterns.
She will only send the letter if her boyfriend stops biting her knuckles.
This will be the last rape of the season.
An office cubicle is rarely an appropriate place for a tryst.
The eldest child will be the last to be circumcised.
Too many haberdashers surrender to drainage.
Russian epics are rarely adequately translated into Esperanto.
She is asking him if he truly believes what was written in his suicide note.
The trilogy concludes with a sigh and a battle.
The true path to wisdom is through a barbershop.
No clocks chime for unfair adjudicators.
A spelling mistake will cost you your fortune.
The talk show hostess has a deep and angry prejudice against the Taiwanese.
There is a lonely man drinking brandy in the bus station.
The boy will not stop biting that brick.
The results of the survey have exposed dark truths about our social fabric.
Sixteen armies have disappeared since the last hurricane.
A camera is a portal.
The soprano coughs a wad of blood onto her sleeve.
That alibi is far from bulletproof.
A cadre of Kansans is no match for a platoon of Californians.
The barbecue explodes.
Only a loser dreams in diagrams.
The dying dog remembers a hailstorm.
Describing your losses will not earn you pity from the officiate.
A princess wades into the poisoned waters.
There is a dark fortress awaiting the architect.
Mythologies forever compete.
Debate continues regarding the freeing of the eviler slaves.
A snowglobe slides off a mahogany shelf.
Bondholders object to the clergyman’s proposal.
Six years is a long time for a hangover.
Gynecologists at Georgetown University Hospital have an unstoppable softball team.
The air pollution this weekend will be absolutely stunning.
Two soldiers consider once again sharing a prostitute.
Praise for that study goes unacknowledged.
Your mother is falsifying her maiden name.
Turtleneck sweaters attract tsetse flies.
To speak the wrong name for that type of death is to commit an unforgivable crime.
He falls from the thirty-ninth floor into an enormous vat of hydrochloric acid.
Grandmothers gossip in the presence of a con man.
Gales caress the endangered.
The park closes as the sobbing man stumbles away from his ex-wife.
A thorough foreclosure entails a tangled web of complications.
Necessity will drive you mad.
The policeman recommends an innovative new technique for reducing dandruff.
The hero of this story is a fool.
Farce demands answers.
There are no spoils for the victor of this motocross race.
A young man sets off for South Korea with empty pockets and a tumour in his throat.
Continents resemble languid suds swirling in a warm glass of beer.
Her eyebrows are ridiculously long.
A man without an expensive car is a man just waiting to be guillotined.
Legions of Brazilians are photographed while speaking in tongues.
She loves him more than she admires him.
A child joyfully strangles a peacock.
The lunchtime bell is ignored by those butchers.
Limousines swerve to make way for snowmobiles.
A drunken uncle regrets something he once said about pacifism.
Life to a chesterfield is the same as life to a martyr.
Runniness is uncomfortable.
You will eat your meatball sub only when you are granted permission to eat your meatball sub.
Beyond the crater everything turns to wax.
The desert is electric with anticipation.
Toppling giraffes makes a young enchantress happy.
Garbagemen complain about their reduced health benefits.
He wants to be a machine.
That strange individual in the corner is actually a notorious art forger.
Stockholm conjures horror.
She is clinically dead.
Theatregoers are going home.
An electronic version of the quilt is provided to all residents.
The recollections of the crime grow increasingly murky.
A misty night relieves him of his constant guilt.
There is an unsealable gap of at least a dozen years.
A religious leader from Kashmir claims to be a gifted marksman.
She prefers to remain in her pyjamas all weekend.
The light here is stranger than it has ever been.
A circle is encircled by another circle.
Women who never commit adultery never know true grief.
His is a strange and disorienting cackle.
Western breezes assail the financial district.
The baby is stomped upon.
You are a teleprompter.
The actress portraying the disgraced dictator crumbles to chalk.
Rainstreaks curl into the lips of a demon.
Overfed dogs swarm the plaza.
Insurance fraudsters singe the sailor’s epaulets.
The slowness of the snowmobiles is a problem.
The attorney-general suspects the ombudsman’s astrological inclinations.
The documentarian refuses the key to the city.
Several optimists discuss a news report about Japanese pessimism.
A butte awaits paving.
The killer announces the colour scheme of her next wrongdoing.
A tremendous tidal wave massages a blue whale.
Household telephones disappear at dawn.
Everyone murmurs in unison.
A junior employee issues a report on departmental commonalities.
It is erroneously assumed to be Sunday morning.
Sixteen cases of zinfandel fall from the rear loading bay without shattering.
His reputation suffers in ways he does not understand.
Undergraduate advisors at the University of Wisconsin enjoy the rare occasion of a casual drink.
A mysterious contagion slows production at a pulp and paper mill.
An unsuccessful novelist toes off his sneakers and initiates crunches on the cold cement floor.
Someone is waiting for the priest to confess.
There is no memorial service for the recently combusted.
No one forgets the old highway.
The editor-in-chief coughs and considers a return journey to Anchorage.
Popular exercises in the improvement of mood are proven to be based on false premises.
The brake pads have not been replaced as claimed.
Future zoning laws will not correct the wayward course of present seismological research.
None of the beavers’ dams survived the storm.
The toilet flushes on its own every second time you think of your dead wife.
A car is not a dream worth dreaming.
Splashes of girls’ tears freeze into icicles.
No forays end well.
A newly discovered asteroid is named after a physicist who falsified his credentials.
Very few attending remember the first sermon.
Two ambitious terrorists clink cups of brandy.
The sun sets on Brussels.
Money makes zebra hunters happy.
The comedienne wears a necklace of human fangs.
Your family insists on dressing unfashionably.
Homeowners aspire to be kings.
The men of ruined committees yawn into the night.
A corporation is that same strangely soothing bluish shade.
A young woman is the first to be slashed to death outside her dormitory.
Seasons pass in silence.
AM radio personalities achieve sentience in unexpected ways.
The libretto is agreed to be excessively melodramatic.
Your father whispers to you about his days a soccer linesman.
A buzzard must learn to squint before it can dine.
Racist doctors make terrible patients.
The debt service reserve account is inaccurately described in the report.
Sympathy is not an excuse.
Half the runners finish the race without registering their names.
Your favourite star supernovas yet again.
Breakfast is served just as the woman removes her leather veil.
NASA issues a statement meant to reassure.
Intangibility is shunned.
A large churning crowd erupts into the exact chaos many had feared.
The router will not be repaired.
The man’s kidnapper is identified as his identical twin.
Languages die like lame steeplechase champions.
When you quote shamed philosophers you insult the very idea of freedom.
The policemen regrets the gunplay and the friction and the ocean.
Past woes once again butcher all hope of relief.
There is nothing to be done about those ponies.
You are still saddled with desire and gloom.
The receptionist does not adjust her unadjustable headset.
An entire generation of gamblers must be familiarized with new and improved software platforms.
Dusky branches crackle and fall with the thrust of the smoke.
No ships will leave the dock until the shipping containers are accounted for in full.
A pregnant woman mispronounces the name of her unborn daughter.
The skull is neatly bisected and placed upon the desk.
Science has yet to explain the persistence of these pulsations.
The song that plays at your funeral features not one but three unnecessary modulations.
Epiphanies come and go.
There is no movie being made about the man who invented anguish.
Everyone here is suppressing a sigh.
The purifying fire is still going and going and going.
North America continues to shrink.
The referee is tormented by a nagging question about this latest dance craze.
Weasels would pay taxes if they could.
There is no turning back once you cross the coral reef.
A stack of faxes on a shelf is no replacement for the authentic autograph of a diamond miner.
The shopping mall still echoes with bazooka fire.
You have the blood of doves on your new gloves.
Questions remain about the security of the fallout shelter.
The guitar is tuned to simulate the pained wail of an orphaned dolphin.
Two hundred years pass before anyone knows what has happened.
The final earthquakes begin in the Tropic of Capricorn.
The elevator repair staff leaves the building for a long and leisurely lunch.
Final moments occur in the lower interiors of the new church.
Your sister stumbles down the plastic corridor in a drunken frenzy.
A bad dream is not necessarily a call to action.
A man with illegal urges opens a letter from a forgotten enemy.
There are no openings for left-handed piano players on the cruise ship circuit.
Gorgeousness is no match for pride in hideousness.
Red tide algal blooms devastate large sections of the ocean floor.
The herd of antelope successfully evades the lion.
Doctors suggest that those with concerns about their lungs should worry more about their brains.
The advice you gave that teenager was appalling and reckless.
The current reigning Miss America is the daughter of an alcoholic geneticist.
Hope is only a possibility for those who used the expensive shampoo.
Over that ridge there is a lake full of entrails.
After lunch the analysts will discuss the frightening implications of the most recent forecast.
Eighteen patients were lost in the swirl of the sandstorm.
A lizard refuses to move.
An unknown number of mysteries have yet to be unexplained.
All mail deliveries will be delayed pending the clearing of all that mud.
One of these three trunks contains an asp.
It will take a lifetime to correct all these errors.
The dying tycoon laments that he never saw the Pyramids of Egypt.
Holding on to the vagaries of youth can lead to a painful demise.
It is not the same geodesic dome everyone thought it was.
Most of the students are expect to fail miserably.
The fifty-year-old air conditioner is apparently working again.
Pastures often become shipyards with age.
The celebrity chef clenches his fists and swears he’ll turn his life around before winter.
This year the city again experienced its usual increase in hate crimes.
No one is more beloved than a motivational speaker who is past his prime.
Clinical depression has migrated from species to species for millennia.
The most shocking fable is the one about the children.
Your failures are no one’s problem but your own.
The construction lending portfolio is a mess.
There are three times as many Libras as Capricorns in the South Asian entertainment industry.
Alternative derivation of such a relation for disjoining pressure inculcates the stress tensor.
This is the first and last footnote he will ever compose.
Deep in the jungle there is a lake of platinum.
Theories are spreading about that strange cough.
The ten-year-old boy cries in terror at the prospect of finally meeting his father.
New Zealanders are not as superstitious as they used to be.
He does not enjoy watching baseball since the divorce.
A pattern is emerging among the civil wars.
Life as we know it resembles an ocean.
This is the last time you ever have sex.
The praying mantis is a horrible confessor.
The television will never ever be turned off.
There is a well of infinite depth somewhere in Maine.
In twenty-six hours the mayor will divulge his secrets.
A man who loves his wife dearly is nonetheless tempted by an attractive flight attendant.
Vulnerability is an illusion.
For every dead monk in Vietnam there are six schoolgirls yet to find righteousness.
The universities will be ranked by flammability.
This topiary garden has been overrun by neo-conservatives.
You are a burner of crosses.
The second cameraman has left his focus drift toward a large woman pacing at sidestage.
The icy soccer field resembles the surface of the moon.
Analyzing the characters of this romance novel reveals a lot about their Scientologist author.
Townsfolk become enraged at the fighter jets soaring overhead.
Wrecking balls soften in the midday gloom.
Geometry is not as persuasive as common taxonomy.
The junior sales representative refuses to abandon his workstation.
Not everyone loves beach volleyball.
There is something quivering in the last drips of the darkened waterfall.
Her anger is not something of which she is proud.
The divorce is not the real source of this controversy.
Bats overtake the butcher’s shop.
This is the sharpest knife ever sold over the radio.
One can live forever in a lopsided house and not even be aware of it.
Malibu is identified as the city with the least amount of mercy.
Two skiers collide in mid-air.
There is a housecat with a vendetta.
The syringe is mistaken for a drill.
The poem is noted for its lack of nuance.
The gears of the clock are clogged with arterial tissue.
Appendices are being included with the final dossier.
A television executive pitches an idea for a new program about heretical time travelers.
Your favourite hue of green indicates you are dying of acute anxiety.
The girl’s diary again bursts into flames.
The ride from Sacramento to Vancouver takes much longer than anticipated.
The father of a revolutionary is disconcerted by the Chicago Tribune.
Her clitoris reminds the assembly of something a madman might fear.
No one here demonstrates excellence.
Disappointment is the hallmark of these days.
Journalism by women is something the senior staff will need to discuss.
September is the perfect month for an invasion by sea.
That is not the digestible putty.
Two swimmers give severe nausea as their reason for exiting the competition.
Moths glide along the eaves.
Surviving a bitter breakup is not as difficult as completing a villanelle with a fractured sternum.
Boys are wearing hats in an outdated style.
The unknown factor turns out be an unpleasant truth.
The evacuation of the sisters will begin at noon sharp.
A fine glass of Knob Creek will soothe you more than the embrace of a nervous lover.
The administrative assistant celebrates her thirtieth birthday with a night of self-flagellation.
The sixth version of the proposal now includes an appeal to the council for propriety and focus.
She is understandably nervous about meeting her doppelganger at the amusement park later today.
There is nothing to be afraid about when it comes to that lynx.
The playwright is indebted to his dealer for giving him the Vicodin needed to complete the last scene.
Lions never retire.
A good day is a day free of being stalked.
He informs his mother that there will no longer be any reason for their weekly phone calls.
The entire stock of these nylons has depleted.
A child requests a lozenge for the very last time.
Midwifery is to be outlawed in most of Eastern Europe.
It has been a long time since anyone has broken up a cockfight.
No ex-governor has ever slept so well and for so long.
Headlights train across the site of last year’s duel.
An eighth cocktail is vastly superior to the first seven.
Hinterland violence is marring an otherwise clean season.
Suggestions that topicality has debased discourse are inherently untrue.
A retired pastor is being lauded by a local newsletter for his bravery.
Ribbons of fur fly away from the papercutter.
The Norwegian robot is surprisingly affordable and durable.
The official uniform of an aspirant torturer is the linen sport jacket.
The collateral for the loan consists of a rain-swept valley that has long been forgotten.
The paperboy worries that he has become addicted to the smell of wet ink.
Evidence of extraterrestrial life is discovered on a garbage-laden shipping barge in the South Pacific.
She will know when the cycle is complete.
All of these fires are all-consuming.
Boulders of quartz line the boardwalks of Aspen.
It is a foolhardy bid to grasp at straws that exist only in your imagination.
The way you hold that clarinet is an affront to those that have already mastered its techniques.
The true hero only emerges in the last moments of the epilogue.
The sequined masks hide only the cheeks of former attendees.
The computer programmer backs cautiously away from the sink.
Entire committees have formed and folded over discussions of the linear operator.
Only a true fanatic would indulge in behaviour such as this.
Tribesmen refuse to surrender their inline skates.
A devoted mother of three draws up plans to build an Ark.
No one ever lost money betting against Ecuadoran hornets.
Ponies string the shoreline.
Ambition stumps the overweight.
The agency’s downfall began with a strange ratings adjustment in February of that year, released without any obviously attributable context. To quote, excerpted: CSCD today confirms a rating of Stable on Direct BiContinental Intermediate Holdings LLP (DirectBi), based on Q3 results. DirectBi credit quality has been supported by strong operating characteristics of its subsidiary, Direct TriContinental LLP (DirectTri), largely driven by the relatively stable water-heater rental and heating, ventilation and air conditioning (HVAC) business, accounting for the majority of available cash flow and servicing a portfolio of more than 1.3 million rental water heaters in the applicable service region. Maintenance capital expenditures reflect the cost of preserving the long-term operation of the existing water-heater assets. There is also concern that, in sustaining such viable, frugal long-term capital expenditures (capex), DirectBi may be violating sacred tenets cast to dispersal by the Supreme Dark Lord Satan, he so irresponsibly dubbed The Taunter, The Rival, The Shepherd of Waywardness, The Pommel of Guttings, The Inflammable Scoundrel, The Flowzy Flatterer, The Haunter of Corridors, The Sealant of Ages, The Wretch at Village’s End, and so forth; nonetheless, these maintenance expenditures remain stable and predictable, thereby reducing the volatility of free cash flows. As a result, CSCD views current operating risk as moderate, given the value proposition offered to customers, the high customer-retention rates and the non-cyclical nature represented in these Q3 results.
I could never buy a record by an ugly group. I just couldn’t.
If you want to cut your own throat, don’t come to me for a bandage.
A few months ago I submitted a proposal to the 33 1/3 music writing book series. This proposal was not really all that great. A worthy exercise, however, and an excuse to watch lots of great Youtube videos.
Here was the proposed chapter breakdown for a book on Duran Duran’s Seven and The Ragged Tiger (I also drafted a long-ish intro chapter that was all about Princess Diana and Frederic Jameson and a lot of bullshit that, understandably, failed to convince).
Introduction: “These Imperialist Wimps”
1. Birmingham Blahs: Lace, Rouge and The New Romantic
The Dawn of the Eighties – Art School Confidentials – Handsomeness – New Romanticism – Simon LeBon in the Age of The Effete – “Planet Earth” and The Cooling of Neofuturism
2. Rio and The Death Throes of British Colonialism
The Hurried Follow-Up – “The Second British Invasion” – Duran Duran Sexually Assaults America – Young Brits Yachting in Ceylon – “Hungry Like The Wolf”: LeBon Goes A-Hunting – From lace collars to leisure suits
3. Down and Out in Montserrat
“Is There Something I Should Know?” – Corporate Triumph and Tucked-In Ties – The Hasty Follow-Up – Failed Sessions and Stunted Development – The Fury of Andy Taylor – “Barely controlled hysteria, scratching beneath the surface” – The #1 Debut
4. Synthesizing The Sensual, or The Two-Fingered Virtuosity of Nick Rhodes
Digital Technology and The Refinement of Utopia – Effacing The Seventies and The Hazards of Technique – “Tiger Tiger” – Duran Duran: The Anti-Springsteen
5. “The Reflex”: Under The Influence of Nile Rodgers
The 12” Single: The Greatest Format Ever? – Rodgers, Remixes and Recycling – Cocaine and Supermodels – How John Taylor Really Slaps His Bass
6. MTV In The Year of Our Lord Nineteen Eighty-Four
“New Moon on Monday” – Fake Revolutions and Russel Mulcahy’s Delusions of Grandeur – Martha Quinn in Heat – Pouting On the Cover of Rolling Stone
7. “Of Crime and Passion”
Simon LeBon Makes Love to the Camera - Sobbing Teenagers – “Union of the Snake”: AIDS, Tantric Sex and Sadomasochism – The Death of The New Romantic and The Rise of The Foot-High Mullet
8. Arena, “Sing Blue Silver,” and The Seduction of The Masses
The Worst Concert Film Ever Made? – Digital Waterfalls – Barbarella Defaced
9. Whither The Wild Boys
The Boring Dystopian Vision of William Burroughs – The Power Station vs. Arcadia – “Cracks in The Pavement” – Roger Taylor Retreats to the Countryside – Andy Taylor Loses His Shit in LA
Conclusion(?): The Triumph of The Ragged Tiger
Notorious and The Dark Years – The Wedding Album: Warren Cuccurullo’s Big Moment – More Dark Years – The Inevitable Reunion – Simon LeBon Grows a Beard – Does Duran Duran Mean Anything?
Post with 1 note
Somewhat recently I wrote my third-ever book review for HTML Giant (the first two were for now-defunct Eye a few years ago, and not anyone’s finest work). I’d just purchased Spencer’s book at a Coach House launch a few days before and was motivated to write about it by sheer what-the-hell. Yes, the review’s a tad overwrought, but I was going for something so gimme a fucking break.
In his much-cited 1993 essay E Unibus Pluram: Television and U.S. Fiction, David Foster Wallace bemoans what he then saw as the rise of a mode of hyper-referential, pop/junk-culture-splattered fiction, one where “velocity and vividness—the wow—replace the literary hmm of actual development,” that in lieu of plot or character favours moods, the “antic anxiety, the over-stimulated stasis of too many choices and no chooser’s manual, irreverent brashness toward televisual reality,” and—like television or other similarly clipped fields of entertainment (Wallace, writing in the nineties, naturally focuses on TV, but his arguments are easily transposed to today’s even vaster glut) operate in images, rather than quaint notions of emotionality. In pursuit of surface realism, there is risk of forsaking heaviness, or timelessness, or truth.
As in every era, today’s crankers-out of culture face this squirrely dilemma of realism: just how far the boundaries of mundane contemporaneity can or should extend, and how useful any parameters therein might be delineated—that is, the question of how realism should be definedright now, and whether such a classification matters, or even exists. If an author adopts or mangles forms anchored explicitly in “today,” is such a thing inherently parodic, or just being true to the times? It is certainly possible to write fiction about Facebook (and, oh, it is done), but do we find this acceptable?
Spencer Gordon’s new short story collection Cosmo enthusiastically elbows its way into that mosh pit of a question with equal measures vigour and charm.
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